A slice of me

“If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”, RuPaul.

Relationships start with knowing yourself, honestly. Every little piece of you exists to create the whole of you, as you are. If you are unwilling to take a good, hard look at yourself in the harshest light bright enough to obliterate all shadow, how can you expect to have a healthy and balanced relationship with anyone else? A grown up/mature, i.e. adult relationship includes all members involved to operate from their strengths and to defer to each other when necessary. This forms and becomes a partnership (**reference unknown).

My journey into my inner world came about as part of my personal explorations, trying to understand the differences within that was so vastly out of sync with what I have been taught, shown and expected to follow from the world I was raised in. Part of this journey has guided me into the kink world where I almost instantly felt I had found a home. This is one of many worlds I call home. I have come to realise and accept that all my pieces, as different as they may be from each other, all fit rather perfectly to create the whole of me. There is no reason to explain or validate these, they just are, which means I Am. And I accept that, in its entirety.

Having said that, I have also come to realise that just because I am aware and accept the authenticity of myself, that it doesn’t mean that those I meet and whose worlds I bump into (or collide with) , will fully accept me as I do. That’s the beauty of this journey and exploration – there is still more to learn each moment, a relationship requires and expects constant honesty and communication. Regardless whether its marriage, family, friendship, dating, business, pleasure or such. I’ve also found that its the human condition to only see what we want to see or hear or experience. My understanding is that this is part of my internal protection system, a filter placed to allow only what is enough for me to handle and accept and still stay safe. Personally, for me, my safety is highly important and most of my beliefs and choices have been created with my safety in mind. That means that I’ve not been my authentic self to everyone in my life while I’ve been unwilling to honestly look and accept myself. Its been a journey so far. And still is.

What then, when we do want to share our authentic self with those we feel safe with? What then, when they deny that part of ourselves which we believe to make up our whole? I feel rejected. I feel unloved, and then spiral back down into darkness, not willing to look and accept that part of me that was denied. I hide it, which brings me full circle back to not being my authentic self as whole. I forget that I am not on this journey alone. I forget that it’s the human condition to filter information for its own protection. I am not the only one who wants to be safe. It’s a basic need and requirement of existing.

As I said, I’m still learning. It’s a constant process of honest communication back and forth, as well as inside and out. Listening to myself, I want to give my all, show my all, because that’s what makes me feel alive. I’m working on my filter system; adjusting and calibrating it because, I am ready to see, hear and experience more – I have realised that I want to stay alive, and I trust myself to stay safe without relying too much on my filter. I have realised that to stay alive, I need to keep moving forward.

Listening to those in my life; I’m being asked not to give up on life, but to continue being my authentic self. And that it’s okay to only share a slice of me at a time. It doesn’t take anything away from me. It’s just what another can handle at a time until all of me can be revealed.